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There
are days when I fall into the trap of my own paranoia and wallow in the misery of my personal battles. I toss and turn inside
the deepest depths of my mind and wage war against myself and my unaddressed fears. Some days, the fears win, and they steal
the very breath from my lungs. Other days, the silver lining shines a little brighter and chases away the black abyss of depression.
Today
was, unfortunately, one of the former days. The icy sinews of depression and the anxiety of separation took hold and ruled
my mind. In the ebb and flow of my life, love has cheated and died before me many a time. My past loves have created nothing
but awkward situations and heartache. Their tormenting ways have set up barriers in my heart and I can only apologize to those
with me now for the things I allowed them to steal. Although I feel more whole than I have in years past, I still worry needlessly
about the feelings of others (those whom I am currently involved with and those currently in my life) juxtaposed to my own;
I worry until I let the fear consume me. But I cannot bring myself to confront the fear either. I cannot seem to find a way
to breach the wall so firmly constructed in my mind and talk about that which plagues me, because I do not want to reveal
my anxiety or come to find that I have done nothing more than fabricate that which does not exist and reveal the swarm of
uncertainty within when proven wrong.
Aside from the skirmish ever-present in my mind as of late (about the trials
of loving and losing), in my own troubled mind, I vacillate; my day to day routine has become a depiction of my fleeting sense
of serenity. Could this be a possible representation of my own growing torment and current despair as I habitually agonize
over the miles between my heart and home?
As days pass and as responsibilities continue to engorge and intrude on every
corner of my life, I find it hard to press on, to continue on the path I have set before myself. My mind wanders off to far
corners and I can no longer concentrate on the tasks at hand. I daydream haphazardly and oft find myself quaintly tied up
in the strings of a wish instead of in the grip of the present.
But luckily, these days are few in number and frequency,
and perhaps these fears will be eradicated altogether in time.
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